A Solid Stream

Lately I have been wishing that I had someone who would just sit and listen to me talk for about eight to ten solid days. But I don’t have that right now and with a baby on the way and wanting to feel at my very best for that moment, time is of the essence, and so in a move so unlike my usually reserved and private written self, I am going to spout it all out to all of you, my lovely readers.

As some of you are new here, I feel much safer and less judgemental of myself to be able to do so. I am definitely judging myself for what is about to become a stream of consciousness, on what I usually pride myself to be a quite well crafted blog, but I’m going to give it a go anyway, because who knows, maybe lifting it all from the depths of my mind, will change something in my life dramatically.

I hope you enjoy however far you get with me today.

So I started seeing a therapist recently, and she left after four weeks. She didn’t leave intionally but she got a new job.

It was a strange therapy experience for me because in each session we didn’t talk for very long about anything particularly important or impactful, but we did figure out a few ways for me to be able to do more therapy on myself, the rest of the time.

Sometimes I start these many variations of therapy methods and techniques, and then I just start to think “Man I really just need to be creative.”

But sometimes, some kind of healing work facilitated by another, will really make a huge shift in my awareness and ability to stay present and happy, and I will yearn to continue down that road. I think the smallest amount of connections, without ever really thinking about why, is enough to lift some of the deepest of traumas out of our systems.

The problem I have experienced the most though, is when those connections jump ship through the lift. That’s when I really need to go inside alone and finish off the work, without waiting for another similarly powerful connection to arise.

I wonder why they always jump ship- “mate I was really getting somewhere there and finding a lot of inner happiness”. It’s not that we need others to make us happy, but we need others to be able to make ourselves happy. If you focus on staying positive, forward focused and creative, within a bond that you have, then you are not dependent on that person for anything, other than sharing that joy. If you are constantly complaining, and using that person to listen to all of your perceived problems, then you are still not dependent on that person, but you are wasting your opportunity to heal your traumas and disappointments.

If you allow that person to give you guidance and tell you that to do constantly, and constantly seek that connection in order to be able to complain or be told what to do about something, then you are dependent on that person. And the dependency is not for happiness, because none of those things are going to bring you any happiness anyway. The dependency is just on the false feeling of safety and staying alive. You ought to walk away from that and speak to someone who will not allow you to complain or try and tell you what to do.

If you find yourself being joyful, positively forward thinking and creative within a connection, but you receive a negative response back, then those people are not good for you and they are making it hard for you to be happy. This is where many people’s opinions will tell you that your are dependent on those connections for happiness. That is not true. You cannot be dependent on another human being for happiness, because happiness is only able to live and grow within positive connections with a safe space for both/all parties to be themselves. That is not dependence, that is life.

It is GOOD for you to be able to live and thrive with the people who allow your happiness to grow, and so dont let the feelings of guilt arise and tell you otherwise.

I believe those who jump ship are the ones who experience some kind of guilt when the space we share allows them to be happy and forward progressive. They don’t quite know what to do with the other conflicting emotions which come up and probably try to run from them. I usually try to let those emotions be.

I am going to use this as an opportunity to count the people I have who allow that positive growth and presence to occur and focus on those, and let the ones who jump ship to do their best swimming fish impressions. And the next time someone who has jumped ship comes into my head, I am just going to come back to this blog and be my best self with you guys.