I’m officially stuck. How The Queen has her official birthday, which is the public celebration of the birthday which already happened, is the same way in which I am officially stuck. I’ve been stuck for ages, but I am only just announcing this now.
I literally have this severe problem where I cannot do things.
It used to be finishing things. It used to be sometimes starting things. It used to be starting things and then starting something else and forgetting about it. Now it’s come to even thinking about starting those things. There are not many things left to finish (apart from the things I gave up on years ago), because even if I did start them, they became barely begun.
I’ve tried everything to get unstuck. I’ve tried reading articles on procrastination. I’ve tried reading articles on getting unstuck. The furthest I have come in the last few months is finally just deciding one thing which I am going to focus on to learn to get unstuck on, to learn to complete. I’ve tried going to groups and talking to people about my procrastination issues. I’ve tried reading inspiring articles from people who used to procrastinate and do not any longer. I’ve tried just doing nothing for a day on purpose, but even then I procrastinated on that and found unproductive things to momentarily distract myself with. I’m even excellent at procrastinating on the relaxation time.
Before the days of everyone being a psychologist, spiritualist or analyst, a grandma would have told me in plain terms that I am ‘restless’ or ‘extremely unsettled.’
The thing is I don’t feel this painful feeling of being unsettled inside of me. I feel relatively happy in correlation to my living conditions (pretty good, could be better, which I am attempting to work on), but I just cannot be still inside of something and make it happen- whether that’s drawing a picture, writing a blog post, having a full conversation with someone, ironing some clothes, tidying up, eating some food (all my plates are left half finished to come back to later), and I’ve started doing half showers where I will wash half of myself thoroughly and say I’ll come back later to it, because I find myself instantly bored. I’m fidgeting writing this and eager to try and get through it so I can attempt something else.
What is going on?
Patience I guess. I started consciously working on my patience a few years ago and have subsequently become exponentially more and more impatient with myself. Even when I feel myself being very patient, my body is moving and twitching and eager to be viewing or a part of something very different. I don’t think the issue is in my mind, I think it’s inside my body.
I’ll let you all in on a little secret. I’m due to give birth in a few months and the thing I am most nervous about isn’t the discomfort or unknown of childbirth. Oh and this issue isn’t related to the pregnancy by the way, I’ve been feeling like this more and more for a long time, it’s just become more obvious to me now that it’s an issue because I have a child coming and I’ve got stuff which wasn’t ever getting done, to finally get done!
The thing I am most nervous about is how long the labour will last and what if I get bored of the experience a quarter of the way through and can’t push. I’ve been praying for a quick labour so I can ‘get on with other things afterwards’. I’ve been thinking, what if the miracle of birth isn’t stimulating enough for my mind and I don’t have access to wifi and a Netflix account, then what will I do to get through it? I’m bonkers, I’ve established that already.
Why am I in such a rush? Like an extreme rush.
I think I must have breathed in someone else’s DNA during the flight over to America-some business executive on the plane, who never sleeps and has a million tabs open with different figures and projects, four phones on loud and two consecutive business dinners scheduled for that evening.
It might be a lack of stress. It could be that I was so used to completing tasks under a whole load of stress that my body doesn’t know how to function without one of the stress hormones or something. Life is very calm and relaxing. It might be an adjusting period to that new environment of no fight or flight responses needed.
There was always the chase going on. Being chased by the approaching end of the month for rent and bills due, being chased by some University deadline, chased by people who had asked for favors and were expecting them, chased by invites to a bazillion social events which wanted your attendance confirmed and paid for in advance, but it was mostly being chased by the crazy amount of bills.
Now it’s completely about working on something because I want to, not because I feel that I HAVE to. That’s a new kind of freedom to adjust to, being given the chance to do what I want, with no strings attached, expectations or exchange of my energy.
I probably just need to have a word with my body and explain that it is possible to achieve things without the stress hormones being released and that although she has never done it before as an adult she can find and work on those pathways; that ability does exist. It’s just not been located as of yet. We will ask my mind to locate it.
You would never believe that this whole post has been about wanting to get some ironing done.